This Is Home
by icantbestill29
Summary: What if the one thing you've been searching for is right in front of you? Five parter (and epilouge)
1. Chapter 1

There are things Alex still has trouble getting used to, even now, even after three and a half years. Drinking coffee that doesn't taste like old dish water, for one. Every time she gets up in the morning and pours herself a cup from the expensive coffee pot Piper insisted on purchasing, she wants to cry because it is rich and black and tastes well, how coffee should taste. She doesn't even bother to spoil it by adding cream or sugar because it's damn good as is. There's also showering with hot water and nothing on her feet and staying in there as long as she pleases and not having to worry about having stuff stolen and watching sunsets and sunrises and eating food that doesn't make her want to puke. The list could go on forever. Things that were stripped away from her, that little by little, were coming back.

Then there were the harder shit. Shit that made Alex question whether she had really left at all. She still slept with a bedside lamp on and found herself looking at her watch or a clock thinking it was time for count before she remembered and exhaled a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding. There was the way she didn't trust people. She'd always been somewhat guarded but the walls went up much more quickly now and once they did, they didn't come down right away. It made her a damn good business woman (even if the business in question was one of the legal variety this time around) but got her labeled a cold bitch at times, leaving poor Piper to fumble for explanations for her terse behavior at dinner parties or business lunches.

What was most difficult for Alex to adjust to again was the hardest to explain. She couldn't really put her finger on it. After she'd been released, Alex had taken the money from her overseas bank accounts (the measly amount that hadn't been seized) and found a modest one bedroom apartment and a job bookkeeping through an old friend. She'd wake up, go to work, come home, eat and go to bed. It was a nice, boring existence and she loved every minute of it. Only a few times did she allow her mind to wander to Piper, where she was, what she was doing. They hadn't spoken much since shit had gone down with Aydin. Piper not believing her about being targeted, coupled with her asshole behavior as she was trying to be the Godfather of the panties, had been nails in the coffin of their relationship and Alex, in spite of still loving her, managed to keep her head down and resist the urge to play knight in shining armor every time Piper came running.

When she was released on parole again after Kubra's trial (in which he was thankfully found guilty), she thought a fresh start would be best and that included not allowing Piper to slip into the recesses of her mind (and banning Nicky from mentioning her at all during their weekly phone calls). She knew that Piper was due to get out shortly but Nicky had left it at that. All of that was well and good until one bitterly cold winter evening in Brooklyn, Alex heard a knock on her door and in spite of her wariness, opened it, shocked as to was standing on the other side when she'd peered through the peephole.

"Hi," Piper had simply said and even in her surprised state, Alex couldn't help but notice how beautiful and healthy she looked in an olive green down parka, her blonde hair loose and peppered with snowflakes. Gone were the dark circles Alex had grown accustomed to seeing under her eyes and the dull, almost greyish tint of her skin. She looked like the Piper Alex had fallen for a lifetime ago.

"I got your address from Nicky. I hope that was OK," she explained sheepishly. "I just really had to see you so I thought I'd take a chance...," she trailed off. "Can I come in or..."

And Alex, who for once in her life was at a loss for words, had stepped aside and allowed her inside the apartment.

The rest was history. Piper had ended up staying the night on the couch after talking for hours and Alex hadn't said much but that night had been a beginning. A reopening of their story but not the same fucked up version that seemed to be on repeat constantly. And in the months that followed, it became clear Piper Chapman had finally grown up. This meant Alex had to get to know her all over again but it didn't matter because Alex remembered why she'd been in love with the woman in the first place. Gone were the days of traveling all over the world and crazy, sleepless nights and Alex found herself perfectly content with how settled she felt, how peaceful everything was. Apparently, she had grown up too.

"Alex?" Piper's hand on her shoulder makes her jump a little. "Sorry," She soothes, kneading the muscle lightly under her fingertips. "You OK? You've been standing at the window, staring outside for the past fifteen minutes."

Inexplicably, she still feels the need to protect Piper. It was a reflex after all this time and the only thing they argued about these days. It was like she couldn't help it and Piper could usually see right through it. It was a goddamn gift with that woman.

"Everything's fine," She replies, hoping like hell she sounds casual because if she didn't, Piper would be immediately suspicious. "Just watching the snow fall," She adds, turning towards her with a feigned lightness in her tone.

Piper visibly relaxes. "Yeah, it's beautiful, isn't it? I remember winters like this in Connecticut. I could watch the snow for hours."

"We're in Westchester, Pipes. Same snow as in Connecticut, only more of it." Alex teases.

"Brat," Piper says fondly, snaking her arms around Alex's waist. "You know, I still can't get over the fact that this is our house. Like we own it. Together."

Alex knows what she means. It didn't feel like so long ago that they were starting over, repairing what Alex had been sure had been irrevocably broken, gradually sharing Alex's tiny apartment, then getting a bigger one with the success of Piper's self published fictional novel about prision and then graduating to the spacious four bedroom house with the rise of the publishing company they'd developed from the ground up. The house was exactly what they'd envisioned and they had agreed to make an offer as soon as they saw it. At first, Alex had a bit of a hard time adjusting to so much space but by decorating it together and working to make the rambling colonial feel warm and welcoming, it became a home. And while she would never be a domestic goddess, she couldn't help but feel a sense of pride at the life they'd created together. No easy money anymore, everything they had, they'd earned by honest hard work and Alex tended to think Diane was looking down at them, fucking beaming. She'd always claimed Piper was a keeper.

"How about you?" Alex is quick to change the subject. The other woman tended to get emotional over just about everything lately. The other night she had caught her sobbing over the ASPCA commerical (not that Alex could really blame her...that shit was depressing as hell) and she physically had to go and shut off the TV as Piper sat motionless on the couch, crying uncontrollably. It had taken awhile to comfort her and convince her to come to bed and when she finally did, all she could do was cling to Alex for dear life, still sniffling, punucated every now and then with a quiet, "But it was so sad!"

"How about me what? Oh, how am I feeling?" Piper presses her cheek to Alex's and she smells clean and faintly of Alex's lemon body scrub. "Much better. Not as nauseous for sure...that ginger thing Neri made for me really helped."

"Mhmmm," She murmurs distractedly. "That's great, babe."

"Al," Piper breaks contact and stands between her and the picture window. "I know things have been weird lately, _I've_ been weird lately and I'm sorry. I promise I'm still the same Piper. Just a little more...hormonal, " She smiles. "But you'd tell me if something was wrong, right? I mean, we're past the point of lies and hiding things. We've come so far and I'd like to think you'd tell me if something was up."

If it was indeed true about glowing, then Piper was personifying it. Even in just a sweater and jeans, she's gorgeous and even in Alex's totally distracted state, she notices. Desire was never the issue with them.

Lying sucked and they'd made it a point when they got back together that it was all honesty from there on out. And Alex had had enough of game playing and deception to last a lifetime. There were some lies though, that were necessary. Alex knows this. She knows speaking up will ultimately hurt her beautiful girlfriend and with the way things are now, that is something Alex can't bare to do.

Forcing a smile, she adjusts her glasses. "Everything's fine. Stop worrying about me, OK?" She cups Piper's face in her hands, stroking her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. "You have enough going on. Hey, why don't you put your feet up," She gestures to the couch, "And I'll make you some lunch."

Piper sighs. "I still have all these emails to answer. When I'm working from home, I actually should work, sweetie."

"Yeah, well, you also need to take it easy. Let me take care of you," Alex guides her to the plush sofa, pushing the button on the armrest to recline.

"You're always taking care of me," Piper pretends to grumble but she's smiling. She lets Alex cover her with an afghan. "Grilled cheese?" she requests.

"With tomato soup," Alex supplies, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you think after all these years, I know you, woman?"

"C'mere," When Alex obliges, she pulls her down with her. "I love you," she kisses her. "I hope you don't get tired of hearing it because I'll never stop telling you. " Piper takes her hand and places it on her swollen belly. "This little person is so lucky to have you."

 _Breathe, dammit._ Alex has to remind herself. Her heart is pounding so furiously that she swears Piper will be able to hear it. Kissing her on top of the head, Alex manages to pull herself up. "I'll be back soon, OK?"

Instead of heading to the kitchen, she makes it as far as the foyer before she sinks down on the staircase, resting her head in the crook of her arm. "Fuck," she curses into the safety of her sleeve.

The thing is, she knew what the hardest thing to get used to was. It was something she'd been chasing her entire life. The thing that the more she craved, the more it seemed completely unattainable and just when she thought she finally had it, it would slip through her fingers. Maybe she doesn't deserve it. Maybe she was trained not to know what it was. And maybe, just maybe, she is fooling herself. Living a life that's really meant for someone else. Piper. A house. A baby.

Alex Vause isn't used to being happy. And it's fucking terrifying her.


	2. Chapter 2

As the day progresses, Alex is able to pull herself together and choke down some of the panic to act like a functional human being. She makes Piper lunch and sits on the couch with her as she devours it (when she asks why she's not eating, Alex begs off she's full from breakfast when in reality she knew anything she ate would be like sandpaper going down). They watch a movie together, Piper naps while she dozes with her macbook in her lap in a poor attempt to get work done. Piper insists on preparing dinner and Alex loads the dishwasher afterwards. They watch Jeopardy with Piper tucked into Alex's side, arguing about the answers, same as always. Piper returns more emails and Alex stares at her computer screen and pretends to work and eventually they head to bed where Piper immediately curls against Alex's back, finds a comfortable position on the body pillow she's taken up lying on as of late and falls into a peaceful sleep.

It's nothing out of the ordinary for Alex to have difficulty sleeping. Bedside light and all, her mind still races wildly and four or five nights out of the week she takes melatonin. Tonight though, tonight is different. She knows logically she should be utterly exhausted from keeping up appearances, from pretending she could look at Piper and see her face and not her stomach. The fear she'd managed to keep at bay had returned in full force and it is all she can do not to suffocate from it.

When Piper had moved into her apartment, Alex instantly felt compelled to tell her about the nightmares. They didn't happen every night but when they did, she caught herself screaming aloud until she woke up, covered in a cold sweat. Sometimes they were about Aydin attacking her in the greenhouse and she wasn't so fortunate. Other times, they were about just about Litchfield and she was back there again and there was nothing concrete to scare her but she could feel the cold, damp air on her skin and that smell, that smell that always seemed to cling to her clothes and her skin, no matter how much she showered...perspiration and stale coffee. Fear of having to open up to another human being wasn't the only reason she'd remained celibate immediately following her release; the thought of having to explain why she was sitting up in bed, screaming definitely would have killed the mood.

Piper had understood. She didn't have to ask what the nightmares were about, she knew. She had lived it. It was routine after one of Alex's nightmares for Piper to wake up immediately (despite in what state of sleep she'd been in) and coax her back to reality, reminding her that she was there and she was safe. She'd get her a glass of water or if Alex asked her not to go, she would just hold her and sometimes they'd talk and sometimes they wouldn't but eventually Alex would go back to sleep.

There was no getting back to sleep now. She stares at the ceiling, listening to the soft sound of Piper snoring ("I do not snore!" she always insists, horrified at the accusation). They had a doctor's appointment in the morning and Piper was thinking they may be able to find out the sex of the baby. She'd gone to bed with a nervous, buzzing energy that had disappated the second her head hit the pillow and Alex envies her immediate ability to fall unconscious, no matter her mental state.

The truth of the matter was, Alex was not ready to see the baby again. Of course, she wanted to make sure he or she was healthy and had all their appendages and stuff because it would devastate Piper if something was wrong. (She'd already made it clear she didn't want an amnio to check for any markers of diseases, despite her "advanced maternal age" as their first doctor had so nicely put it. "She's thirty six," Alex had snapped at the woman and they had switched to a midwife not soon after). In all of her excitement about possibly finding out the baby's gender, her girlfriend didn't even stop to consider that the sonogram was more for making sure the pregnancy was going as it should but Alex had thought about the possibility something could go wrong. Piper was generally a worrier but she had to hand it to her, she had held it together remarkably well. It was Alex who had been rattled by everything ; the morning sickness that seemed like it would never, ever end, the cravings that changed by the hour ("I'm so sorry, babe," Piper had said on more than one ocassion, but I can't even look at that right now. What I really want is some nachos."), the epic mood swings that sometimes had her running for cover. It was like someone had taken her Piper and replaced her with a crazy, hormonal alien from Mars.

Still, Alex did her best to be supportive. She held Piper's hair back when she puked (which was nothing new...she'd done it more than once before she was pregnant too), she ran out at 2 in the morning and got the pizza or the chicken wings or Taco Bell only to go back out when Piper apologetically changed her mind, she tried to power through the mood swings and pampered her when Alex could tell she was getting fried from work or something stupid her mother said over the phone or upsetting shit she'd just seen on the news. She said all the right things and did all the right things but she couldn't for the life of her, feel the right things.

Piper sighs a little in her sleep and almost instinctively, Alex slides closer to her. It isn't just the worry that baby's healthy, it's the thought of actually seeing it again that is making her stomach knot. The first time they had gotten to see the little alien blob live, on screen and Alex saw that tiny, flickering heart beat, she felt tears spring to her eyes. They were not the same tears Piper had; hers were of joy and completely appropriate. These were of panic. Of utter and complete panic. Until Alex had seen with her own eyes that there was indeed a human growing inside her girlfriend, she didn't have to think about it. But being there as a technician put goo on Piper's abdomen and waved that wand on her, it was real and Alex had thought, "Oh shit, what have we done? How did we think this was a good idea?"

"Fuck it," she murmurs, fumbling for her glasses on the nightstand. Carefully disentangling from Piper, she gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom, turning on the light.

Staring into the mirror, her reflection peers cynically back at her. She doesn't look much older than she did back at Litchfield, save for a few more unwanted lines around her eyes. Same long black hair (which she admittedly dyes every few months to ward off greys), same bright green eyes. Her body is still working the way it should;she tries not to eat like shit and lets Pipes drag her running (Piper jogs slowly rhese days) a few times a week. She certainly does not think she looks like someone who will turn 40 in seven months and she certainly doesn't feel old either. There is nothing about her that says "Mom", nothing about her that signifys she will be any good at this. It is Piper who reads all the baby books and has a birth plan already and has the nursery underway. Piper has her shit together; she was born for this. Alex isn't so sure.

The next day, she gets up and showers, letting Piper sleep an extra couple of minutes. She makes coffee and a light breakfast, ignoring the fact she maybe got three hours of sleep if she was lucky. When Piper wakes up a short while later, they eat and she gets ready in record time. The entire short car ride, she is bubbling with excitement. Thankfully she talks for the both of them and doesn't notice that Alex is gripping the steering wheel so tightly, her knuckles turn white.

The midwife's office is warm and homey, with buttercream walls and overstuffed chairs and potted plants. It is a far cry from the sterile enviormemt of their first doctor's office and Piper is completely at ease there, a fact Alex appreciates. They check in with the receptionst and wait a short while until they're called into the room. Piper lies on the table for a total of two minutes before their midwife, Hannah enters; she will be conducting the sonogram herself.

"Hello ladies," she greets warmly and aside from the fact the woman looks all of twelve years old, with her bangs and affable manner("She's not that young, we're just old, Al," Piper joked), she never talks down to them and explains everything in a way you didn't need a medical degree to understand. She also answers all of Piper's questions without making her feel stupid, which was more than Alex can say for the frigid bitch of a doctor they first saw.

"Piper, this is going to be cold, just for a minute," She explains, smearing gel on her exposed stomach. "Here we go," Hannah pulls the wand out from its holder and places it on Piper. "Look right at that screen. Been a long time, huh?" She smiles and shifts her focus to the screen in front of them. "There's your little one. Moving and grooving, just how we like them."

There was their little space visitor again, in the flesh, wiggling like they were trying to escape. "I can feel a little of that," Piper whispers in awe and Alex doesn't have to look at her to know she's crying. "Sorry," she sniffs, grabbing Alex's hand, "This is amazing."

"No need for apologies," Hannah waves her hand, moving the wand to a different part of Piper's belly. "Happens all the time. And yes, it is amazing. Every damn time. No matter how many of these I do, how many babies I deliver. It's always an amazing miracle." She smiles again and types into the computer. "Let's just see if we can't get this little gymnast to give us a peek, huh? Then we'll take some measurements and chit chat a bit, alright?" She jiggles the wand around and then stops. "Ah, here we go." She turns to Alex and Piper. "Do you still want to know the gender? If you've changed your minds, that's perfectly fine, but your baby is giving us a great view right at this very moment."

Piper exchanges a quick glance with Alex who nods. "No, we want to know. I have to finish our nursery," She laughs.

"Well, there have been cases where we were surprised but I can say with almost complete certainty, that this baby is a girl. Congrats, guys!"

"Holy shit," Alex whispers softly, so softly that Piper does not hear. She is lost in her own elation anyway and kisses Alex, saying, "A girl, Al!" For a brief moment, she can hear her own heartbeat ringing in her ears and she is certain she's about to pass out. _Hold it together asshole_ , she has to tell herself and remarkably she is able to. She isn't sure what she says or does but Piper is on cloud nine and mercifully isn't aware of the fact she has to fumble for words.

The rest of the appointment goes by in a blur. Hannah gets all the measurements she needs and says everything looks absolutely perfect. They stop at the receptionist on the way out to make another appointment and head to the car. (Alex is still not used to the fact Piper traded in her Prius for a SUV for more room).

For the short drive, Alex manages to keep her rapid heartbeat and sweaty palms in check (she is acutely aware she's having a panic attack) by mashing down so hard on her lower lip, she tastes blood. Next to her, Piper talks in rapid sucession about registering and making phone calls once they get home and buying the rest of their nursery furniture. It's easy to let her talk because Alex is incapable of saying anything except ordering the mocha milkshake Piper requests at the White Castle drive thru on the way home.

The second they get in the door and Piper hangs up their coats and goes upstairs to change (when Alex lived alone, she would simply toss it on the floor), Alex makes a beeline for the kitchen and grabs a huge glass of water from the fridge dispenser, not bothering with ice. She gulps it down in only three long sips and catches Piper who is back downstairs and perched on a stool at the breakfast bar, staring at her. For the second time in two days, Alex is painfully aware of how beautiful she looks these days, having changed out of her maternity clothes into yoga pants and her Smith sweatshirt, her face free of any make up, blonde hair pulled back in a loose ponytail. There was that pang of guilt Alex had become all too familiar with over the course of the past few months. It gnawed at her constantly now and as she feels Piper's eyes on her, it settles deep into the center of her chest, like an unwelcome weight.

"What's up?" She turns to toward Piper, trying to keep her tone light.

"You tell me. You're awfully quiet."

Alex opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of Poland Spring, handing it to her. "That's because I was listening to you. How was I supposed to get a word in?"

Piper takes a long swig from the bottle and glares at her. "Very funny. Seriously, you barely said a word on the car ride over and on the ride back. And in Hannah's office, you didn't say anything either. Not even when we found out we're having a girl. Who I'm totally going to still dress in pink, just so you know. "Her smile fades. "Really...be honest with me. Is is something wrong?"

Alex sighs. "What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, maybe that you're as excited as I am that we're having a girl or that maybe, deep down you were hoping for a boy and you're a little disappointed. Because that I could understand. But this silence crap...no."

"Piper-"

"No, you're shutting me out again and it's not OK." Her eyes search Alex's face. "Something's going on. Do you think I haven't noticed? You've been walking on eggshells around me for months, Alex."

"Do we have to do this now? You're tired and it's almost lunchtime. Why don't I make you something and we can talk later, OK?"

"No," Piper replies tightly and fuck, Alex knows this isn't going to be good. "We're doing this right now."

Sitting on the stool next to hers, the other woman runs a hand through her hair and sighs again. "This isn't easy, Pipes. I'm...I'm not like you. You've known what you wanted since you were like eight years old...a family, kids, a career. Me, I'm not like that. I had shit growing up. Diane, she tried, but my life wasn't easy."

"Al," Piper's tone softens considerably and she places her hand on her forearm. "You have nothing to worry about. You had a great mom who put you above everything else and you'll do the same thing. I know that. And what about how great you are with Luna?" Piper says, referring to Cal and Neri's daughter. "She adores you."

"She's three, Piper, she likes everyone. And taking her for a weekend a month is a hell of alot different than raising your own kid. We give her junk food that we make her promise not to tell her mom about and play Candyland a million times and we give her back. We give her back to her parents. This is completely different. This baby is ours forever... _ours._ That's a huge thing and I don't know..."

"Listen to me," Piper takes her face in her hands and looks into her eyes. "You're scared. Don't you think I'm not? I'm terrified, Al. I can fucking memorize What to Expect When You're Expecting from cover to cover but when it comes down to it, I don't know anything about babies. I don't. So yeah, I understand and I'm telling you, it's OK. We're in good place financially and with us and we can give her everything she needs. We can do this together."

Alex feels her face pale and she clutches the chair tightly. Fervently, she wishes she shared Piper's blind faith in her but deep down, in the recesses of her very soul, she knows somewhere down the line, she will fuck up. Because as much is she is Diane Vause's daughter, she is Lee Burley's kid too and inevitably that part of her DNA is going to come back to haunt her and taint everything. She can feel it.

"It's more than just being scared. It's...I don't..." Her throat constricts and she forces herself to look at Piper. "I don't think I can do this."

"What...what can't you do? The baby? Us?" Piper is crying and if she didn't feel like the world's biggest asshole before, she certainly does now.

"Any of it. All of it."

"Well, it's a little fucking too late for that, don't you think," She shakes her head, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "Jesus Christ, Alex. Grow the fuck up."

"I know. I suck and I'm a selfish asshole, Piper. People don't change, can't you see that?"Alex swipes her hand over her eyes, smearing her carefully applied eyeliner. "That's why I need to go...I need time. I need to think." Hurrying away from her, she grabs the car key off the hook and her coat and scarf from the hall closet.

"Where are you going? It's starting to snow again," Piper crosses her arms in the center of her chest, her nose red and her blue eyes puffy.

"I don't know. Anywhere...anywhere where I can breathe again," She answers honestly, her voice hoarse.

"Tell me one thing, Alex," Piper puts a hand protectively on her stomach, "Is this how it felt when I left you in Paris all those years ago? Because it fucking...hurts. And I'm sorry I made you feel like that." She breaks down again and Alex has turn away because the pain etched on the other woman's face is almost more than she can stand.

"This is all me, kid. Whatever shit happened in the past, it has nothing to do with this. It's something in me, OK?" Leaning over, Alex kisses her forehead. "I'm so, so, fucking sorry, Pipes. For everything."

And with that, Alex opens the door and steps into the snow, uncertain of her destination but running away from her past and her future, as people who are blind often tend to do.


	3. Chapter 3

_You're serious, right? This isn't just the wine talking? This isn't just that we just had amazing sex and you're high on endorphins? Like, this is for real? You really want to go through with this?"_

 _Alex rolled over and placed a kiss on her bare shoulder. "You ask alot of questions."_

 _"Because I want you to be sure," Piper snuggled further under the covers and into the warm cocoon their bodies created. "This is a big decision and I want you to say yes because you want to, not because you feel pressured."_

 _"Since when do I do things I don't wanna do?"_

 _She smiled indulgently. "I don't know...like when I make you put away your laundry or load the dishwasher...you hate that."_

 _Alex chortled. " Because that stuff sucks. Seriously, tell me one person who fucking enjoys folding laundry."_

 _"I like folding laundry."_

 _"That's because you're weird," Pulling her girlfriend down on top of her, Alex kissed her hungrily. "I'd say let's go ahead and make a baby right now if we could."_

 _"Mhmmm, you'd enjoy that, wouldn't you," Piper moaned as Alex's hands slid over the length of her body. "No, really though," She pushed Alex back gently. "You're sure you want to go ahead with this? Because once we do, that's it, there's no going back."_

 _"Piper," Alex groaned, thoroughly annoyed as she'd been working on running her teeth lightly over one particular vein in Piper's neck, a thing she knew for a fact would immediately work in Alex's favor. "OK, listen," She propped herself up on the pillow on an elbow. "Let's do it...I mean, I know shit about kids but...I'll learn, right? And I think you'll be an amazing mom. Look at the way you make sure I have my act together. I'd probably be dead if I didn't have you around to make sure I eat and sleep and everything. And besides," She smiled, taking Piper's hand, "You're the one who's going to be doing all the hard work. Like actually pushing out a baby...not that I really want to think about that," she shuddered. "I'm just along for the ride."_

 _Piper had a tendency to stare deeply into her eyes and as cliche as it was to say it was if she could see into Alex's soul, sometimes it was the only adequate way to describe the way she looked at her. At first, it had unnerved her but it hadn't taken long before it warmed her to the tips of her toes. When they'd been apart, it had made her inexplicably sad to know she would never be looked that way again._

 _"You don't think I'm too old?" Frowning, her nose wrinkled slightly and Alex couldn't resist sneaking a kiss on the bridge. "I mean, all the books say once you're past thirty five, the risk for miscarriage goes up and so does the baby's chances for certain genetic things, like Downs Syndrome..." She trailed off._

 _"First of all, you're thirty six, Pipes, not sixty. Women have kids well into their forties now. Second of all, stop reading shit that's going to make you crazy. Yes, there are about a thousand things that could go wrong. But I could also go outside tomorrow to get the mail and get mowed down by a random car. Things happen. Like all the time."_

 _Piper shook her head. "Not helping."_

 _"My point is," Alex sighed, "If this is something you really want, we should do it. Like you said, we're not getting any younger. Do you really wanna be those old parents? The ones that are constantly embarrassing their kids? No thanks."_

 _She rolled her eyes and then her expression changed, softened, into a wistful smile. "I think we're at a good place right now, don't you? One of us can work from home for awhile, until she's older."_

 _Alex raised an eyebrow. "She?"_

 _Her girlfriend reddened. "Or he," she corrected quickly. "Anyway...you're right. There's no reason not to try. It may take awhile...these things don't always happen right away. And we've got to find a donor."_

 _Alex made a face. "Let's not go into an in depth discussion about that, OK? I'll leave that to you. I have no doubt you'll find a Yale grad student who's doing his dissertation on colonization in Uganda and a family lineage of politicans and through bred horse breeders."_

 _Piper laughed. "It's kind of scary how well you know me."_

 _They were quiet for a moment. "Your mom is gonna lose her shit," Alex stroked lightly up and down Piper's forearm. "She already hates my guts."_

 _"Well, I love you. And she loves me and so does my dad. And they're going to love this baby no matter what."_

 _"Notice how you didn't disagree with me," Alex joked. "They'll love our baby alright...if loving them means trying to tell you how to do everything. Remember what a pain in the ass they were when Neri was pregnant with Luna?"_

 _"You said our baby," Piper's eyes were bright as she kissed Alex's cheek. "Oh my God, we're doing this,_ _aren't we? We're really going to try to have a baby."_

 _Alex took her into her arms and kissed her forehead, then her nose and finally, her lips. "I want what you want, Pipes. Always have."_

The snow swirling and whipping through the air, leaving patterns of delicate lace on the world it was beginning to blanket. It was beautiful and Alex may have thought it even more so if it weren't making it so difficult to see the road laying out in front of her. Having grown up just outside of Boston, she was certainly no stranger to driving in the snow but the fact she was traveling in a fucking snow globe, coupled with the damn tears that were obscuring her vision, did not make for an easy trip.

The image of Piper's anguished expression as she was leaving plays over and over in her mind and she feels her breathing hitch again. If running away from her life was supposed to calm the storm, it wasn't succeeding.

"Shit, this is getting bad," She murmurs aloud. A quick glance at the clock tells her she's on pace ( a slow one but a pace nonetheless.) to get to her destination. She'd been on the road all of ten minutes when she'd decided where to go, who she needed to talk to. Now, she worries she won't make it and the thought of spilling her guts over the phone was enough to make her want to vomit.

Even though she knew she was on borrowed time as far as the snow went, Alex decides to stop at the first gas station she sees to fill up the tank and grab a coffee. ("Gas station coffee, Alex, really?" Piper would always pull a face when Alex came back from paying for gas with a 99 cent cup of whatever they had on self serve. To which Alex would reply fondly, "Snob.")

As she pumps gas into the Durango, the snow whips around her wildly and she thinks of Piper again (not that she's stopped thinking of her since she walked out the door) who always made fun of her for actually going inside to pay for gas instead of simply paying at the pump like "normal people," as she put it. The memories keep whirling around her head and when she goes into the gas station to pay for both the gas and a coffee, she has to physically shake her head to escape the unwanted stream of images that were interrupting her ability to think.

Settling back into the seat of the truck, Alex lets the warm, slightly bitter liquid slid down her throat, its comfort almost immediate. She allows one more tear to slid down her cheek before squaring her shoulders and starting the engine. If she didn't move her ass, she'd be late.

Alex likes driving with the radio on but today she needs to be alone with her own thoughts, her head as clear as possible. The silence in the truck is deafening though and once or twice, she is tempted to drown out the sad shit in her head with some old school Metallica, but she stops herself.

 _"Pipes?" The house was dark as Alex entered and closed the door behind her, kicking off her shoes and throwing her macbook case on the floor. Piper had left the office almost an hour before her and the drive home through Manhattan traffic had put about an extra half an hour on her commute. The day had been filled with little annoyances; calls about unsolicited manuscripts, a pointless early morning meeting and it had been so crazy, she didn't get her usual lunch with Piper, the part of the day she looked forward to the most. Hell, her lunch had consisted of a wilted salad from Cosi and a can of Diet Coke she'd eventually sent her assistant out for at two. Traffic in general always put her in a shit mood so the drive home had been icing on the cake._

 _"Piper?" Alex tried again, switching on the hallway light. Her girlfriend had to be home, her car was in the driveway. She hadn't said much as she was leaving work, only that she was heading out and she would see Alex at home. Despite not overanalyzing things (that was Piper's speciality), she was a little worried. Piper didn't say as much but they had been trying to get pregnant for nearly three months now and she knew it was starting to take its toll on her. Three pregnancy tests, three negatives and this last time, Piper had stared at the stick in her hand as if it were dynamite. "Maybe it's not going to happen for us," She wasn't resigned but defeated and Alex ached for her. "Babe," she had replied gently, "If you want to keep trying, I'm right here with you, let's do it. But if you decide you've had enough...I'm with you on that too. There are other ways to go about..." She had stopped mid sentence. No one was going to let them adopt with their records and they both knew it. "Pipes, this is your decision, OK? Whatever you want, I want too."_

 _"In the dining room," Piper called and relieved, Alex made her way down the hall. When she entered, she arched her eyebrows in suprise. "What's all this?"_

 _The room was aglow with candlelight and in the center of the table was a bouquet of irises and lillies. Their best dishes were laid out and the aroma of Coq Au Vin (Alex's favorite) wafted from the serving platters on the table, making her mouth water. In the midst of the romantic setting was Piper, wearing a fitted black dress Alex hadn't seen her in in awhile, her hair loose around her face._

 _"Just a little something to say I'm sorry," Piper said, wrapping her arms around Alex's neck. "I know I haven't been easy to deal with lately and you've been so sweet."_

 _"No apologies necessary," Alex pulled her close and buried her face into her hair. "I get it. And I'm in this, remember what we said when we got back together? We wouldn't let anything tear us apart. I meant it, Pipes."_

 _"I know," She breathed, "But I know all of this has been alot for you too and this is my way of saying how much I appreciate you. And how much I love you. How much we love you."_

 _"I love you too," The other woman kissed the crown of her hair. "Wait...what? We?" Alex swallowed hard. "Are you telling me..."_

 _"Yeah," Piper whispered, her eyes bright. "Yeah." Reaching up, she kissed Alex softly. "Congratulations, Mama."_

 _It was there in their dining room, with the candles and china and the gourmet meal Piper had ordered from their favorite French restaurant, that Alex began to feel the tiniest seeds of fear plant themselves in her mind, rooting themselves deep within her. Almost immediately, she felt ashamed. Wasn't this what she wanted? It was what she had told Piper she wanted, anyway. The fear didn't make sense...they were ready in every way for a baby and finally, they were in a place where Alex had no doubts about their relationship, if Piper would hurt her or she Piper. They were both different people who had grown up and found their way back to one another. A baby wouldn't change any of that, Alex was sure but still...there had to be a reason why her heartbeat quickened when Piper told her. And there had to be a reason her hopes had lifted just a few weeks ago when the possibility of quitting had been hanging in the air._

 _There was no way she was going to voice any of her concerns out loud. This was what Piper had been so badly wanting for months and now that it was finally happening, Alex saw no reason to shake her girlfriend out of her happy bubble. Besides, she had nine or so months to get used to the idea...she assumed she was just in shock and the excitement would follow later._

 _"I love you," Alex settled on saying, turning her attention to Piper. At a loss for words, she figured that was the one statement she was completely certain of._

 _And it turned out, it was exactly the right thing to say as Piper kissed her fiercely. It also turned out that Coq Au Vin was just as delicious cold._

Despite the snow picking up substantially the further she drove and the inability to control her racing thoughts, Alex is able to reach her destination on time, with minutes to spare. She steers the truck into visitor parking and turns off the engine, stepping out. It's then she looks at the building in front of her and realizes she can't move.

It isn't the first time she's been back since her release but it's been awhile since and the very sight of the prision makes her mouth go dry. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like another person entirely lived that life. Alex Vause, inmate and international drug cartel frontrunner ceased to exist. Standing and staring at the place she hated brought it all right back.

She focuses her gaze downwards, staring at her boots, concentrating on steadying her breath, in and out, in and out. It works and she's able to focus on why she drove 40 fucking minutes to get here.

"Now or never," Alex says quietly and goes into the visitors entrance. Luckily, she doesn't recognize the CO at check in, as most of the officer's from her time have long since been fired or quit. She gets her badge and a quick run down of rules (to which she really wants to roll her eyes at but refrains) and gets led into the visitors lounge.

"Well, look at what the cat dragged in." Sitting at one of the tables, looking as smug as ever with her arms across her chest was Nicky. "Been a long time, buttercup." She stands.

"Too long," Alex gives her one of the two hugs she's allowed and they sit. "I've been meaning to visit but...you know," she shrugs. "Life."

"No you haven't," Nicky laughs. "And I don't fucking blame you. I wouldn't come back to this shithole if I didn't have to either." She leans back into her chair. "So as much as it's really nice to see your mug and I'll admit, I missed you...why the hell are you here?"

It's Alex's turn to shrug. "Um, I wanted to see you. Catch up in person. Like you said, it's been a long time."

"In the middle of a fucking snowstorm? A phone call would have been just fine." Nicky leans forward. "Cut the bullshit, Vause. This is me you're talking to. Now what the fuck is going on that you drove almost an hour in a blizzard to talk to me about?" Her expression changes and she nods knowingly. "It's Chapman, isn't it? Trouble in paradise?"

Alex's face falls and she nods.

"Motherfucker," Nicky says lowly. "OK, talk fast. We don't have a lot of time to fix this."

"That's the thing, Nick," She wipes her eyes, sweeping her glasses to the top of her head. "I don't know if this can be fixed. The way I left things..."

The other woman places her hand on Alex's. "Anything can be fixed." Her brown eyes are warm. "Now talk."


	4. Chapter 4

"It's all so fucked, Nicky. Like I can't even look at her anymore without seeing her belly. Even sex is starting to get weird." Being back at Litchfield was surreal but talking to her friend again felt as comfortable and easy as it had always been.

"Cuz she's fat now." Nicky supplies helpfully and Alex has to smirk. Some things never changed. Her friendship with the curly haired woman had grown over the years and although they hadn't seen each other in person as much with the publishing business expanding, they kept in contact with weekly phone calls.

"Dumbass," Alex shakes her head. "She's got that glow they talk about, you know? Anyway...it's not seeing her pregnant that's weird...it's the fact she's actually really going to have a baby." She looks at Nicky. "Does that make any sense? I'm not making any sense, am I? Shit."

"Hey, hey," Nicky says, her tone neutral. "OK, let's start with what I know. I know Chapman was trying to get pregnant and she did. That's it. That's all I know because that's all you ever fucking tell me when you call. "Everything's good," you say when I ask. But you forget, I know you, dude. And I know you talked to Caputo to get me out of max...the least I can do is help you with this."

"How the hell did you find out about that?"

"A little birdie told me. Forget it, I've known for months. We're talking about you and how you fucked up with Chapman."

"We are so dicussing this later," Alex takes a deep breath and blows it out through her teeth. "Yeah...I really screwed up this time. I mean, I do stupid shit on ocassion and Piper's pretty good about it but...I left her, Nick. Just standing there, crying. And I know how fucking shitty it is to do to someone you love because that's how I felt when she did it to me. And before you say anything, it's not some twisted revenge thing. She was twenty three years old. It sucked but you do fucked up things when you're young. What I did...no excuse. I told her...I didn't think I could do it."

"What, have a kid?"

"Yeah, have a kid. I thought it was what I wanted. And I don't know if that's because I ever really wanted it in the first place or that I just got wrapped up in Piper's dreams. She's meant to be a mom...me? We don't even have a dog. I was afraid to make a commitment that big because of how busy we are. I mean, I forget to eat sometimes. How the fuck am I going to be responsible for another human? And one who is completely helpless, who depends on me." The panic was rising up again, she could feel it, threatening to strangle her.

Nicky regards her calmly, her hands folded in front of her. "Is this one of those I'm not ready to settle down type of things? Like the kid is the nail in the coffin of that last shred of freedom you have left?"

"What? No, no, it's nothing like that. I'm going to be fucking forty this year. I'm done with the wandering bullshit. Things are really good right now."

"Then what the hell is the problem here, cuz I'm not seeing it."

"Look at me, Nicky. Look at all the stupid, irresponsible shit I've done," Alex says desperately, her green eyes flashing. "How am I going to explain all that to her someday?"

"So it's a girl, huh?"

"Yeah, it's a girl." Her voice drops to almost a whisper. "Can you imagine me with a daughter? Fuck, I'm not even friends with girls, besides you." Again, she shakes her head. "Listen, Piper is who-"

"Piper's meant to be a mother, I know. So I'm gonna ask you...what makes you sure you're not? Because you fuck up from time to time? Because you fucked up in the past? Because you can't relate to girls? Because you're selfish?" Nicky leans forward. "Jesus, Vause, if everybody used those excuses, no one would have kids." She nods her head once. "How was your mother, as a mom?"

"You know how Diane was."

"Humor me."

"She was great. She worked her ass off to make sure I had everything I needed, she called me on my bullshit, she was always there." Her eyes are wet and she wipes them with the back of her hand. "I don't see what this has to do with me and Piper and the baby."

"You wanna know what kind of mother mine was? I couldn't fucking tell you because I spent more time with the maid. My mother was the person who passed through when it was convenient for her and she pretended to care when she really wanted to just push her fucking guilt for being such a shitty mother off on me."

"Nick-"

"The point is, you had someone who gave a shit. And that's more than most people have. That's it, that's all you have to do," She says matter of factly. "The rest of it, it'll come over time."

"You have alot of faith in me. So does Piper." She stares down at her hands. "This is the biggest thing I've ever done. Ever. I just don't know if I can."

"Are you happy?"

"What?"

"It's a simple question. Are you happy?"

And Alex does not have to consider her answer. "Yeah. Yeah, I am. But you..you don't get it. Whenever things are really, really good, something bad happens to fuck it all up. Either it's me or something else but whatever it is..." Her voice cracks. "I'm fucking scared."

Nicky shrugs. "I'm scared every day of my life, dude. You go on...you can't stop yourself from being happy because you're scared."

"But..."

"No, you need to shut up and listen to me. You and Piper, you guys finally got your shit together. Once you both got your heads out of your asses, thanks to me.."

"I never did fucking yell at you for giving her my address," Alex says, narrowing her eyes.

"Yeah, well, it all worked out, didn't it?...and now you're gonna bring a kid into the world." Nicky's voice is uncharacteristically soft. "You done good."

"She's my everything ," The other woman says simply, "As lame as that sounds. She is. And the thought of doing anything to disappoint her..."

"Like walking out?" It wasn't Nicky's attent to pour salt into Alex's wound but it stung just the same.

"Like walking out," She repeats quietly.

"Vause, you came here for me to give you reasons why you shouldn't be in this kid's life. You came here for me to try to talk you out of this beautiful thing. And it's beautiful. I may be a jaded bitch, but that I know." Her eyes lock on Alex's. "Stop worrying about what can go wrong and for fucks sake, stop being so goddamn afraid of everything. Live your life. Do what the rest of us in here can't, OK?"

"Time's up," The CO on duty announces and the room fills with the din of chairs scraping back as people rise and say their goodbyes.

"I'll call you tomorrow. And I wanna hear you're going to work on fixing this mess. Even if it doesn't happen right away. Just promise you're not running away again, OK?" Nicky hugs her, a little tighter this time. "Go home, Alex. Think about what you have waiting for you and go home."

"Thanks." She says to her friend quietly, her words weighted and there is no need to say any more that as they both begin to exit.

"Hey," Nicky calls over her shoulder, her trademark half smile upon her face, "Don't fuck up. You got this."

As Alex leaves the visitors room and Litchfield and heads back into the world that is covered in white while she was inside. She climbs into the Duango and turns the key to start the engine.

"Fuck," The events of the day are hard to believe and her bones ache with exhaustion. She allows her eyes to close and focuses on the breaths that are flowing steadily out of her body. And then something amazing happens, something Alex hasn't felt in months, in the midst of all the fear and the doubts and the giant lump in her throat that never seemed to go away.

Clarity.


	5. Chapter 5

_"What if I never walked into that bar? Do you ever think about that?"_

 _The summer evening was quiet and cool and Alex laughed as she pulled Piper closer to her in the chaise lounge they were sprawled out on. One of her favorite features of their recently purchased house was the spacious backyard. Having never had a yard as kid, growing up in apartment buildings her entire life, Alex found there was nothing she loved more than spending time out there, during the day, grilling or reading a book or during the evening when she could simply watch the weeping willows cast shadows on the pavement and sit by the firepit. They had briefly tossed around the idea of getting a pool but decided against it, thinking it would destroy some of the charm of the yard. In the end, they put in the firepit and a grill for Alex, a little organic vegtable garden for Piper, ("Old habits die hard," Alex had teased) and lots of oversized, comfortable lawn furniture. It had become their little haven._

 _"I mean it," Piper nudged her girlfriend in the ribs. "I almost didn't go in there that night. Really. I almost chickened out. Do you ever think about how different our lives would be if I hadn't gone in...or if you hadn't been there?"_

 _"It was the only halfway decent bar in Northampton, Pipes," She kissed her head. "You should know."_

 _"Yeah, but you just happened to be visiting your mom that weekend and I just happened to be looking for a job," Piper persisted. "Things could have easily gone alot differently..."_

 _She could sense Piper's nervousness, as she always seemed to be able to do . "What gives?" she put the beer she'd just taken a long sip from back down on the side table._

 _"No, nothing. It's just," The blonde twists in her arms to look at her. "It's just something I think about sometimes. I mean, I'm so...happy lately. We have this house and the company is going better than I could've dreamed and you and I want to pinch myself sometimes. And then I remember things could've gone another way."_

 _It wasn't difficult to unde_ _rstand why Piper carried such guilt around with her, even now and although Alex tried to reassure her that the past was just that, knowing and believing it were two different beasts entirely._

 _"Piper.."_

 _"I try not to think about it too much," She admitted quietly. "But it sneaks up on me sometimes, you know? All the shitty things I did. To you, to other people, to Larry..."_

 _"Hey, we went to Larry and Polly's wedding." Alex shuddered at the memory. "I'd say we paid our penance with that one, don't you?"_

 _"I could have spared you so much heartache," She ignored her. "I probably also wouldn't have gone to prision but," Piper shrugged, "That's not the point..."_

 _"I'd like to know what the point is then because we're wasting a perfectly beautiful night talking about shit that happened a hundred years ago." Stretching her arms high above her head, she grinned. "I don't focus on the past. It's all about the here and now. And right now I've got this warm fire and this cold beer and a sexy as fuck woman in my arms. That's all I need."_

 _That silenced Piper who kissed her and they snuggled together cozily, Alex tugging the hood of her sweathirt over her head. For a few minutes, they enjoyed the sounds of the yard; the crickets singing, the fire popping and sputtering and the breeze rustling the trees._

 _"Seriously, it never_ crossed _your mind? Not even once?"_

 _"C'mon, Pipes," Alex groaned, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I really don't..." Sighing, she reached out and took her face in her hands, her eyes meeting clear blue orbs. "Babe, I want you listen and not in that way where you say you're listening but you're really just worrying about shit while I'm talking, OK?" Alex regarded her seriously. "Yeah, there are things I wish we did differently. And yes, I was angry and sad and disappointed but things aren't like that anymore. We're not the same people we were back then. So no, Piper, I don't think about that because I wouldn't change a thing. Not one thing. Because everything happened just the way it was supposed to. And it was all leading full circle, back to us. Don't you get it? This is fate, kid. Us. Right, here, right now."_

 _If there was a certain code of conduct Alex followed as a rule it was not to get overly mushy. After all, she did have some sort of a reputation to uphold and she certainly didn't need the people who worked for them thinking their big, bad tattooed boss was a giant pussy. When it came to Piper, though, she melted. She always maintained that she had one addiction and one addiction only. It wasn't smack or booze or cigarettes or even coffee (though that was a close second). Piper was the one thing she could never give up, even if she tried. And when they had gotten back together for the last time, Alex realized she didn't want to._

 _"How did you get to be such a romantic, Vause?" Piper smiled. "Don't worry though, I won't let it get out."_

 _Alex laughed heartily. "Thanks. I've always been romantic. I'm just better at it now. Comes with age, I guess."_

 _"Mmmm," The other woman ran her fingers lazily through Alex's hair. "So, when I walked in, you know, back then, you didn't want to sleep with me?"_

 _"Of course I wanted to sleep with you. I'm not blind." She slid her hands under Piper's sweatshirt. "I still wanna sleep with you."_

 _"Good thing," She said and grabbed Alex by her collar, kissing her deeply. They sat like that for awhile, not moving, not doing anything more than just enjoying each other._

 _"Do you miss the way things were?" Piper questioned when they finally parted. "Not jail, obviously," she added. "But the traveling and all that?"_

 _"You with the questions tonight," Alex rolled her eyes in mock annoyance but she pulled her close , intertwining their hands. "I thought I would. Going all over the world, doing crazy shit..." She trailed off, looking into the distance. "I don't know...truthfully? I don't. I like my life, Piper. Our life. That other stuff was fun, while it lasted anyway, but it wasn't...fulfilling, I guess you could say. "_

 _"This is home," Piper said and her voice was brimming with happiness (Alex could physically hear it)._

 _"This is home," She repeated, feeling calm and peaceful. And as the summer night breeze gently ruffled the hair of the person she loved more than anything in the world, she knew it was true._

With an iron clad grip on the wheel, Alex squares her jaw. Massachusetts blizzards had shit on this one but even with four wheel drive, she goes slower than normal because she can't see two feet in front of her.

"Fuck me," She swears loudly. "Fuck!" There is just no way she can make the forty minute drive withno visibility. The snow is supposed to taper off by four or so, in just an hour so Alex makes the decision to wait it out.

She manages to pull into the next place she can, a Dunkin Donuts down the street and parks. Inside she orders a coffee and a jelly stick that feels like a lead weight going down but it's all she's eaten since breakfast and it will substain her for a bit. She makes small talk about the weather with the middle aged woman at the counter, as she's the only moron to be out in this when she didn't have to be and camps out at a table by the window.

The snow seems to be a force of its own, huge and never ceasing, its fury and intensity seeming to mocking Alex. She feels like freaking Dorothy...all she wants is to get home. She realizes how ironic it all seems...remembers telling Piper when they were in Litchfield that if she wanted a mundane life to choose Larry. Now, God, she wants that. All of it. It wasn't mundane or boring...it was comfortable and secure and _real._

Sipping her coffee, Alex thinks of what she would've told twenty six year old Alex way back when. Probably somewhere along the lines of, "She's not just another drug mule, you moron. You are so fucking in love with her that you can't see straight" and "Fight harder. Don't let your grief make you give up. Diane raised a fighter," She definitely would have told her to make sure she had real world skills because obviously she wasn't going to be a drug trafficker always and definitely, "This isn't going to last forever. You're going to want to settle down. It may not seem like it now but trust me, you will. And that doesn't mean you have to compromise yourself to do it."

Beside her, her phone buzzes and a quick glance tells her it's Piper. Of course she'd call to make sure I'm OK, Alex thinks guiltly. It's shitty to make her girlfriend worry and she knows it but somehow she can't bring herself to pick up. All she has to do is confirm she's alright and that as soon as the storm subsides a little, she'll be on her way home. But there's too much to be said, too much that can only be said in person and she's afraid the second she hears Piper's voice and the concern in it, she'll lose her shit completely.

Finally, blessedly, the snow slows and Alex watches with a mixture of relief and dread out the window as plows begin to appear on the nearby roads to clear away some of the mess. This means, she acknowledges, she'll be able to make the drive home but it also means she will have to face up to what she left and as much as she wants to set things right, there is a fear, deep down, that she won't be able to.

The drive home is slower than she anticipates and by the time she pulls down Morgan Ave and into their driveway, it is dark. The kitchen light is on and Alex feels her heart thud wildly in her chest. It isn't any suprise that Piper is waiting for her and she is scared shitless. The irony of it all is not lost on her. She's faced guns pointed at her head but the thought of going in the house and facing the person she walked out on hours ago is making her queasy.

 _I feel like a fucking teenager breaking curfew right now,_ she thinks as she manages to "man up" (Nicky's voice rings in her head). Especially since she knows Piper's in the next room. Crossing to the hall closet in the blackness (She doesn't dare turn on a light), Alex hangs up her leather jacket and steps hesitantly into the kitchen.

There are many scenarios she pictures before she enters. Piper, red eyed, sitting at the breakfast bar with a pile of used kleenex and a half drunken cup of tea, maybe. Or Piper slapping the shit out of her in the first thirty seconds she's in there. Perhaps she'll be completely silent, which is the scariest version of Piper there is (even scarier than angry, violent Piper) because she looks straight through you instead of at you and if she does happen to look at you, her eyes are devoid of any emotion. Alex half expects her bags to be packed and waiting for her.

But none of those things happen. And Alex is taken aback as her girlfriend practically jumps off of her stool and embraces her, squeezing her tightly.

"Jesus, Al," Piper says into her hair, her relief evident as her shoulders sink. "Where were you? It was snowing so hard...you didn't answer your phone."

"I know," is all she can manage to say as she leans into Piper's embrace. She doesn't know why she's being granted with Piper's grace right now but she knows she certainly doesn't deserve it.

"I'm pissed, in case you're wondering," The other woman pulls away and wipes her eyes, "but right now, I'm glad you're OK."

Alex hugs her back tightly and opens her mouth. Nothing comes out. "Fuck, Pipes...," she attempts. "I...fuck." She shakes her head and trains her green eyes on the other woman. "You'd think after all these years, I'd stop fucking up. Or at least know how to apologize when I do.. "

"We're always going to fuck up, Alex," Piper replies quietly and lets her go. "It's called being human. I certainly did my fair share over the years and you know it." She gestures to the breakfast bar where Alex sees their favorite blue Pottery Barn mugs resting on the placements, steam billowing up from them in waves. "I made coffee," she shrugs. "I didn't know what else to do. I thought you'd come back...I hoped you'd come back."

She feels herself nod mechanically. All she can do now is go through the motions. The digust and the self loathing and the godamn blame is blearing through her head and it is making her dizzy enogh to grasp the sides of the granite countertop.

"Come into the living room," Piper hands her mug and takes her own as they walk down the hall amd settle on the sofa. The lamplight casts a soft glow on the blonde and Alex feels a lump form in her throat. This has been the scene of many comfortable shared silences but as she watches Piper, her eyes cast downward, staring into her mug, as if held answers, she is acutely aware of how much she wishes she could get her shit together, once and for all.

"Hey," Alex says and it comes out as barely a whisper. "This is weird," she admits finally. "Like you should be...I don't know, screaming at me right now. Telling me what a shitty girlfriend I've been. You're pregnant, Pipes. You don't need the fucking stress I..."she rubs her eyes underneath her glasses. "You don't need to be nice. "

Piper crosses her legs underneath herself and places her cup down on the coffee table. "Oh believe me, I screamed. I broke my mother's serving platter. Yeah, I smashed it right against the fucking kitchen door like fifteen minutes after you left. And then I cried cleaning it up...then I sat here and I cried again until my eyes felt like there were razor blades in them." Piper looks at her then. "Then I napped and I got up and I ate a sandwich because she wouldn't stop kicking me," she smiles down at her bump. "And I realized something...and it's only something I realized because I did the same exact thing. You're terrified. You're absolutely fucking terrified about all this. And no matter what I say or do, you're still going to be that scared."

"I can't even explain it," Alex says. "You're right...I'm scared shitless."

"God, so am I," She breathes. "Fuck. Don't you think I've replayed this whole thing over and over in my mind, when you said we should go ahead and do this...it was always what I wanted. Never once did you say you wanted it too..." Her eyes are bright. "I pressured you into something you only were doing for me."

"Pipes...it's not that I didn't want it. I want everything with you. But I don't know, once you actually got pregnant...it hit like a fucking ton of bricks. This was real...no going back and I was going to be a Mom. That's huge. I..."

"It's not something you're born knowing how to do, Al. You learn as you go. You make mistakes and you fix them. That's part of being a parent. Do you think I had the best role models growing up? My family is all about keeping up appearances. You know that. It doesn't mean we won't be good mothers."

"It's more than that. I'm not...I'm not sure I can be who she needs. What if I let her down?" Alex's voice was desperate. "Look what happened today. When shit got hard, I left. Whose to say that won't happen? What if I'm my father's daughter."

"You're Diane's daughter," Piper says firmly. Her tone is soft but she doesn't touch her. Not yet. "A fighter. Strong. Brave. That's who you are, Alex. You're not going to let her down. And yeah, of course things are going to get hard. And scary. Probably alot, especially in the beginning. But you're not alone. What did you always say to me...throughout this whole thing? We're in this together. We are. Believe it, OK?"

She feels the tears fall down her cheeks but makes no effort to wipe them. "I'm afraid I don't know how to be happy. Like if I let myself...if I let my guard down, even for a second...something horrible is going to happen. It could be Kubra...it could be something with us...it could be anything. The stakes are so much higher now."

Piper shakes her head. "You don't think you deserve this. But you're wrong. You are so, so wrong." She leans over and cups Alex's face in both of her hands. "You deserve everything. Everything you have, you've worked for. We've come so far."

"What if she asks about us, how we met? Or our past? Do we tell her we were in jail? We're not exactly ideal role models. " She grimaces. "And someday, she's going to want to know about her father. What do we say then, huh?" Her expression darkens. "I know what it's like to grow up not knowing who your father is, Piper. And I know how it feels to be disappointed when you finally do meet him. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

"I know," She strokes Alex's face gently. "But sweetie, we don't have to figure any of this out right now. Not for a very long time. When that time comes, we'll do the right thing."

"It's just so much responsibility and I don't know if I'm...I want that responsibility, I do but I don't know if I'm worthy of it."

"I love you." Piper bends her head in so that their foreheads were touching. "And I could sit here all night and tell you all the reasons why but I won't. All I'll say is I love you and I know you'll be enough for her. Because you're more than enough for me."

They're both crying and Alex lets Piper take her into her arms once again. It feels odd to be the one being comforted and reassured after so many years with the roles reversed. She is used to being Piper's protector and is a part she is good at. Still, she can't help but like the way Piper runs her hands comfortingly up and down her back and whispers "Shhh, shhh," in her ear. It's the reassurance that she craves but never lets herself recieve.

They pull away from one another after a bit, Piper's hands still entangled in Alex's hair. "What are you thinking?" She questions softly.

"That I don't want to disappoint you," Alex replies, staring at her fingers. "That I don't want to disappoint her," Suddenly she is very, very tired. If she lays her head on the couch, she's sure she'll sleep for days.

"You could never," Piper is sure and certain and Alex feels hopeful, something she hadn't felt since Piper told her she was pregnant.

"I'm going to try like hell not to." She sighs deeply." I don't know if I'm going to be any good at this, Pipes."

"One day at a time," Piper says, kissing her hand. "We're in this together. No matter what."

"No matter what, " Alex repeats quietly. And finally, miraculously, she believes it.


	6. Chapter 6

_This is home, where I wanna be,_

 _This is home, let's make a family,_

 _Baby, you and me_

 _Baby, you and me_

 _This is Home- Lucy Kaplansky_

All the little cliches were completely true. Every single statement she'd ever heard uttered (to which she'd admittedly responded to with a fake, "That's sweet," only to nearly roll her eyes into the back of her head when the person left) on the subject was accurate. Time _did_ stop and the world _did_ stop spinning on its axis. And it was on a warm, breezy, early morning in late May, that Alex realized the biggest cliche of them all applied to her now. The second she heard her daughter's tiny cry, the moment the midwife lifted her up for them to see, Alex's life was changed forever.

It had been a long journey. And as Piper's pregnancy progressed, Alex found that the more she immersed herself in planning and being busy, the less scared she felt. The process was slow and steady and she still had moments of terror, where she'd have to excuse herself to hide in the backyard until her breathing returned to normal. Piper would give her the space she needed and Alex could go back to nursery decorating or prenatal yoga and all was OK. Then there were the moments where she'd put her hand on Piper's belly and be greeted with kicks and tears would spring to her eyes, this time for the right reasons. And just like that, the future, while still scary, seemed a little less daunting.

It was amazing what Alex found herself capable of doing, not only for Piper and their daughter, but for herself as well. Polly and Carol Chapman had thrown them a huge baby shower (not their style at all and Alex could plainly see Piper wasn't completely comfortable with all the attention) in Connecticut. Even though she barely knew anyone, she got to meet some of Piper's family and friends from college, and as the day progressed, she actually found that she was enjoying herself. Aside from Polly and Carol (who were obviously only being civil because Piper had spoken to them), people congratulated her too and Alex, not normally a very social person, found herself coming out of her shell. It felt good to be able to celebrate the baby's impending arrival instead of being so fearful.

Every day, she gradually felt the happiness sneak in like sunlight flitting through a window. It was in small moments like the end of the day where she got to eat ice cream out in the backyard with Piper, one spoon, right out of the carton. It was in watching hands and feet do a crazy dance on the surface of her girlfriend's stomach as their baby ran out of room and it was falling asleep, Piper wrapped up in her arms, drunk drowsy from talking about what the future held. And happiness was Alex, so incredibly relieved that she could speak of what was to come with little worry and if she did, she voiced it to Piper and they talked about it and it became manageable.

Alex was lucky to know love. First from her mother, there was unconditional love. The kind where Alex repeatedly fucked up and Diane would repeatedly forgive her. Then there was inevitable, passionate love, the kind where she and Piper would come together like magnets only to be ripped apart by some great force, ususally of their own doing. Undoubtedly, it was a lasting love and Alex thanked a God she didn't fully believe in nearly every night that things had worked out between them. And she had the love of friends and the people who worked for her (who had thrown them a surprise shower that was casual and intimate and much more their style). As much as she sometimes thought she didn't deserve it and over the years, she convinced herself she couldn't feel it, Alex realized how fortunate she was to have love in her life. To have had it. And just when she thought her heart was full, she finally got to meet the missing piece.

The new love of her life had a head full of dark hair and a tiny rosebud mouth. She had Piper's nose and chin and the second Alex saw her, something welled up in her that she couldn't explain or voice but it took her breath away. All at once, she felt the fear in her heart subside only to be replaced by with a melting sweetness which could only be defined as love.

The chaos had died down, the baby was weighed and measured and cleaned, they were moved to a room on the maternity floor, and finally, it was just them. Piper is sweaty and spent but blissful and Alex is in complete awe. If she thought any part of watching her girlfriend give birth was going to be traumatic, she had thought wrong. Piper had been brave and unrelenting, even after 12 hours of labor, even when she was so exhausted she didn't think she could continue. Alex had always been convinced Piper was braver than she gave herself credit for but the fierce determination she'd shown bringing a life into the world made her fall in love with the other woman just a little more.

"You are totally my hero," Alex tells her, watching as she looks up from their daughter who was cradled contentedly in her arms.

Piper grins. "Well, I had a great coach. Guess you did pay attention in our class after all." She smiles over at Alex who is seated on a chair by her bedside. "Sorry for crushing your hand. Got a little carried away."

"Please, if anyone had a right to break all the bones in my hand, it's you," Alex jokes. "Seriously though," Her expression changes. "You did good, Pipes. I'm really proud of you."

"I'll never get tired of hearing that," Piper replies, her gaze drifting back down to the bundle in her arms. "Do you want to hold her? I've been hogging her..." Seeing Alex's expression she adds hurriedly, "Might as well get used to it. You'll be doing alot of it, Mama."

Gingerly, as though she might break, Alex takes the baby from her girlfriend, thinking she's never held something this small. Cradling her head in the crook of her elbow like she'd seen Piper do when she had held Luna as a newborn, she settles back into the chair. There was that melting sweetness again as she watches transfixed as she opens her tiny mouth and yawns. She's so little and perfect and Alex can't believe she's real.

"Hey you," she says softly to her. "It's me...it's...it's your mama," Alex tries the title out for size and surprisingly, it doesn't feel strange. It feels matter of fact, that's who she is. And as if in response, her daughter opens her eyes, her unfocused gaze searching for Alex's voice. Her orbs are the color of the sky after a rainstorm and Alex's breath catches in her throat.

She notices Piper watching them with tears in her eyes. "Do you need anything, babe? Are you hungry?"

The blonde shakes her head. "I'm fine. Just tired. But I could watch you two all day. You're a natural with her. See, she knows your voice."

Alex gazes down at the baby with unabashed adoration. "She's amazing. Like she's super smart and sensitive. I can tell..."

"Oh yeah, you can tell all of that?" Piper smiles. "That's pretty impressive." With that, the baby lets out a little squawk of a cry and they laugh. "I think she's hungry again," she muses and Alex reluctantly hands her over.

"Piper," she says watching as she nurses with ease like she's done it a million times before, "What are we going to call her? Your mother will be here in a few hours. If she finds out this kid is nameless, all hell's gonna break loose."

Piper rolls her eyes. "We can't leave without a name for her birth certificate, so I think we're good."

The subject of a name was a mild source of contention for the remainder of Piper's pregnancy. They couldn't agree for the life of them and finally they narrowed it down to a few names but they'd figured they'd know it when they saw her.

"I still like Chloe," Piper says, laughing as Alex wrinkles her nose. "What? It's a nice name."

"Really, Pipes? Chloe Chapman? Sounds like an airhead cheerleader."

"Chloe Chapman Vause, thank you," She huffs, repositioning herself and their daughter slightly. "OK, what do you think we should name her?"

Alex leans over and strokes the baby's downy head as she eats. "I wasn't thinking of one of the names on our short list and you can say no if you don't like it but it kind of hit me when I was holding her...Abigail."

"Like Abigail Breslin?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of Abigail Adams but yeah...it's Hebrew. Not that we're Jewish or anything but it means "gives joy". Kind of fits, right? Plus it's a good strong name. And she can call herself Abby if she wants even though I perfer Abigail "

"OK, Alexandra," Piper teases but she smiles widely. "I love it, actually. It fits." She looks down at their daughter who has finished eating, milk drunk and snoring contentedly in her mother's arms. "Abigail Diane Chapman Vause. Or Vause Chapman. Whatever. We'll deal with the particulars later."

They hadn't talked about naming the baby after Alex's mom, it was Piper's suprise and the revelation brought tears to her eyes once again. Diane would have absolutely gone nuts over her granddaughter and for a moment there was a sharp, brief pang of sadness that was quickly replaced with joy. A fittung name indeed.

"C'mere," Piper pats the other side of the narrow hospital bed and Alex carefully obliges, scooting herself between a slumbering Abigail and Piper.

"We seem to have a habit of hanging out on tiny beds in institutional settings, don't we?" Alex smiles, leaning over to place a feather light kiss on the baby's forehead.

"Mhmm," The blonde agrees happily, closing her eyes. "I could sleep for days."

"Please do, you earned it. I'll keep watch over Miss Abby here,"

"Did you take enough pictures?" She inquires, cracking open one eye to look at Alex. "I want to make sure we have some good ones for her baby book."

"Only like ten thousand. Don't worry, Pipes, I've got enough for ten baby books and some to frame and some to send to Nicky."

"Good, " she replies sleepily, taking Alex's hand. She traces small, deliberate circles on her open palm. "I'm so glad she's here. Like even more than the labor part being over. I'm just so happy to meet her."

"Me too," Alex agrees and they lay like that for awhile, quietly listening to the sounds around them ; the squeak of nurse's shoes outside the corridor as they walk by, the birds chirping outside the window, the soft, rhythmic sound of Abigail's breathing.

"You know," Alex breaks the silence, folding her arms around both of them," I guess I should make an honest woman out of you."

Piper laughs. "If that's a proposal, you can do a hell of alot better than that."

"A promise," The other woman corrects firmly. "You can count on it."

"Then that's all I need," she kisses her and the baby stirs slightly . She pulls her closer and Alex moves in to envelop them protectively.

As Piper finally falls into a restful sleep, Alex can't help but watch them, her girls. And as she does, a single thought crosses her mind.

 _This is home._

 _Author's Note: I want to thank everyone who took the time to read, review and favorite this story. Happy Vauseman makes me happy and I loved writing this, even with the angst._


End file.
